A+B=ME?

I had no warning - they just arrived!  Mama and papa Zuzu were there, noses and tongues pressed against the glass front door of my tiki island home.  I think I screamed like a girl at the sight - I had hoped they would never have found me but somehow - here they were in animated 3D.  I usually lay on the floor quietly, turn off all the lights and pretend to be dead if I know they are on their way - they usually give up tapping on the door with their last nickle and head off to the Olive Garden to share an unlimited salad bowl and bread sticks - not that momma has eaten anything since the 60's - being a former model.

Mama Zuzu the glamazon model from the 1960's.

My mom was the forerunner of Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford and Engleburt Humperdink - she was a fusion of all three.  I was her only child and often left in the company of men who did her make-up and hair.  As I child my mother insisted that I look like her at all times, so my photo album growing up had many alternative looks to those of my friends.  In the 70's I had an afro in pre-school, in the 80's a Bo Derek weave - you get the idea?  When we used to do show and tell in class, most of the kids would scream in horror when I bought the photo album out - but I learnt character through those brutal years.  My prom unfortunately coincided with my mom's career going thru a late 1980's power pussy fashion phase - she sent me along as a version of herself, complete with big bangs, power shoulder puffs and heels that the other boys weren't wearing - it was after this that I decided to be my own man and become what I am now - the butchy fearsome Boo Mad Dog Zuzu - mess with me at your peril!

Momma Zuzu never cared for me much after a few months as she complained I ruined her breasts  - she said they had turned into oven mitts hanging from her chest with her nipples being the thumbs of the mitts pointing due east and west at the same time!  She said her career nosedived and I was to blame - as she was a plus size model (her words not mine!), she had to take whatever gigs came her way.  She was made famous in a fashion first, modelling a wrap around shower for Bed, Bath & Beyond.  For me however,  it was a heavy load to carry as a 6 month old, knowing I was the ruination of her blossoming career.  Apparently I was weaned very quickly and mom's stylist used to bottle feed me with Evian water with a splash of eau de Channel no.5 thrown in for taste and on occasion as a treat, they used to give me a Marlboro Light for my fibre needs.  As you can see,  my mom looked great on this kind of diet, so I guess she did my a favor by starting me off early?  Thanks momma - you's the best!  At 6'4" she was a towering inferno of a woman and for the first few years of my life I only really ever spoke to her knees - she never bent down - she said it was ungraceful and true models never bent down to the little people?

Papa Zuzu walking round the neighborhood saying hi to the ladies?

Papa Zuzu was an altogether different species.  I never fathomed why the two of them ever got together.  He was 4'6" and slightly built - although it was common knowledge in the neighborhood as I was growing up, that he was hung like a bull rhino on roids.  His freakishly small body coupled with his freakishly large mangoes often caused ladies in our street to swoon uncontrollably, which annoyed momma no end.  As a family we travelled a lot due to mom's work, staying in hotels in New York, Paris, Milan and Boise, Idaho.  Papa always had a set of travelling steps with him, which he would prop against the bed every night.  As a child I never understood what they were for and when I enquired once, I was told that I would understand when older.  I sneaked a peek one night and saw papa on top of the travelling steps tickling momma with his lips and swinging from her oven mitts!  I believe that was the first time I came across a gag reflex.

Well, why the ramble about my folks then?  Well it was during their overly long visit that I saw them both through fresh eyes.  If my mom was the 'A' and my dad was the 'B' - how the hell did the two of them produce ME?!  I have come to terms with the fact that I am likely a product of artificial insemination - I never have thanksgiving with the folks as the turkey always tastes strange to me - the baster they own was passed down from my grandma and I have a hunch it has been  doing double time, moonlighting as a birthing device.  Each time I open the drawer at my folks home and see it there, I feel myself asking inquiringly of it "Daddy?!"  I have my suspicions, as papa's travel steps weren't high enough to get to mamma's business end of town.


So it would seem that my fate would be sealed - A+B=ME.  I believe it was Einstein who came up with this formula yet I am living proof that what goes up doesn't always have to come down.  There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule - and I think mother nature took pity on baby Zuzu and intervened in the looks department and her kindly hand touched my soon to be grotesqueness and blessed me with passable looks. 

The Zuzu formula in the flesh!

However, as I have grown I have come to realise that we can never fully escape the genetic code that has been passed down since the dinosaurs.  We may get lucky, mother gay nature may intervene but our parents will always leave their indelible mark in some way or another.  For me however, not only has mother nature been kind but also my parents genetics - I seemed to have fallen from the tree without hitting too many of the ugly branches on the way down.  What am I saying?  Well.....

If A=mamma's towering height and slim lithe frame and B=papa's generous mangoes - then A+B=ME is kinda a winning formula I would say!!! :p

The greater truth is this though.  If the part played by mother nature in this scenario turns out to be nothing more than purchased shapes, skins and slide bars - if the turkey baster is a reality and I am less than what I may appear, then at least I can console myself with this: Who I am will never be an equation or a genetic hand-me-down - the beauty of who I am, and who you are is created in the choices we make daily!

Zuzu rules.....peace out!