Stalking 101

Some things are under-rated and unfairly so.  Take stalking for example - it gets bad press and I think the benefits of stalking don't get fair airplay, so I am going to stand on my soapbox and give a shout out for the endangered art of stalking!

Always wear a great disguise but nothing freshly washed - think grunge.

OK so first off, I have been both a stalker and a stalkee - both sides have many benefits, so let me start first with how to get the most out of being a stalker - not the creepy kind that leaves slobber on bedroom windows as they attempt to lick their way through the glass - no we are talking high-end stalking here, classy stalking - how to be the kind of stalker that you would be happy to take home to visit your momma!

OK first thing to know about stalking is that most stalkees protest about your interference in their lives in SL but usually it's all a cry for you to stalk them even more.  People LOVE to be noticed, to have someone have them in their sights, to dance uncomfortably close when their is still plenty of room on the dance floor.  They will tell their friends that you are a perv, creepy and that they will report you to Linden Labs but the truth is, most would be lost in your absence - why do they continue to log in day after day IF you are really that much of a slime ball huh?  I think I have made my point.  They secretly are thrilled that they have been chosen out of thousands to have your unwarranted and undesired attention - you have elevated them from a life of mundane sameyness to one of heart-thumping, pulse-racing nervousness - and doctors all agree that an elevated heart-rate helps lower cholesterol and assists in weight management, so in actual fact, stalking really should be classed as therapeutic and medicinal - think of yourself while stalking, as doing the wider SL community a great service - by inducing a higher heart rate in your stalkees, you are in fact, keeping them healthy.  Well done you!

On that note, I always think you should have several stalkees on the go at one time, as this enables you to hone your skills and one day may even improve your chance of having a bronze bust made of you in your honor or even you may get a plaque with your name on it at a new SIM shopping centre - so get out there and become infamous - like a  Kardashian maybe?!  So, let's get to the good bit...what to do as a stalker.....

First, have some cheesy lines to hand so that when subtle contact is made, you can set the scene for being a complete douche-bag and alert everyone to the fact that you are, indeed, a stalker.  Stalkers like to frot a lot (if you don't know what this is look up frotting on Wikipedia - it's another subject dear to my heart and I will cover this later).  So another tell tale sign of a stalker is they will frot with you a lot.  On a dance floor, while shopping, even at your own home - so develop great frotting skills if you wanna be the head douche-bag of stalking.  Another point - always wear dark clothing and not stuff fresh out of the wash - stalkers tend to be unwholesome looking and rarely use fabric softeners in their clothing, so make sure you have that emo meets grunge meets the Hanson brothers look about you for max effect.

OK, let's move on to the more unspoken side of this debate - the art of being a stalkee.  So, let's go back into the history books and see if there are any clues in them.  A good place to start is with the historical documentary of when Fay Wray had an encounter with a giant monkey in 1933 in the first of it's kind Nat Geo special named King Kong.  In this documentary, Fay Wray was obviously a stalkee who couldn't get enough and tired of regular stalkers so she went to a remote island so she could be stalked by said monkey.  She feigned a lot of passing out and head holding screaming terror - yet in fact, she was really turned on by the whole thing - it was all done for the cameras to sell the documentary to a gullible and skeptical public.  In case I still need to prove my point, when she took Kong to New York and they tried to bomb him - she didn't run from her monkey stalker - oh no!  She tried to protect him!  That's right - this proves my theory that as a stalkee, she was soooo into the whole thing and even defended her stalker to the death...

So, what can be learnt from this if you want to be a great stalkee?  Play the game, ham it up, get all Days of Our Lives on yourself and give it your best Hollywood "Leave me the hell alone" snarling through gritted day time soap teeth, yet always give the stalker a lil wink to let them know it's OK to keep on.  It's the equivalent of throwing a dog an old bone - don't let the stalker ever fully believe that you don't want their totally repulsive attention.  They are people too after all - we all need encouragement don't we?!

Another point as a stalkee is to threaten regularly to report the stalker to the relevant authorities but under NO circumstances ever do this, in case the authorities do in fact come and arrest the pervert.  Where will you be then huh?!  That's right, you will be yet another John or Jane Doe, waiting for the next stalker to come along - and it could be a long wait.  So nurture and nourish those that take an unwanted interest in you, wear something slinky and alluring and let them know that you will always say no, while thinking yes!  As a stalkee never ever look your stalker in the eyes - this is going too far - your aim is to feign loathing and utter repulsion and this will be killed if you gaze into your stalkers mad, bloodshot and bulging eyes.

So in conclusion, SL is full of the weird and wacky, the gross and grosser, the loathsome and scary - you will likely find one on almost every busy sim!  Yet secretly we all love our encounters with these pixelated freaks of cyber nature, as it gives us that racing pulse we all so live for right?  Damn right!  I was once stalked at the Violet Sim by a carnivorous shewolf/vampiress who was a tad peckish and wanted to feast on my well-toned and muscled thigh.  This is where I learnt the art of being a stalker.  I wailed in protest as I shook my leg around all seductive like, I sprayed myself with a well know aphrodisiac spray to drive her into a complete frenzy, yet I refused to allow her to breathe in the scent fully - it was a classic tug of war - let them think they are pulling you over the line then YANK them back and let them know you can't be won over so easy.  She positively drooled over my uber shmexiness - and so, the tables turned as the stalkee became the stalker!  And that is the reason for this blog - if as a stalkee you REALLY don't like being stalked - then do as I did - become the stalker and stalk the stalkers who hound your life and make it miserable!!!

As always.....Zuzu Rules....Peace Out!

Disclaimer:  In no way and at no time has Zuzu ever endorsed or will endorse any of the above - so he makes full declamation and such ok?  Ain't no mountain high enough ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough to keep Zuzu from Yoohooo!